I found a way to keep me occupied...

So in order for me to even try to start a family I would have to wait till my body cooporates with me. No Doctor can tell me that I'm ready because every women's body works it's own way. For me, it feels like eternity before we can even try to start our own family tree. So what other way but to set a goal to loss the excess weight! I have found that excercise and a goal to lose weight would keep me half occupied.... Let's see how long this is going to last! The magic number is 25 lbs...... Consider today as my official ticker for losing 25 lbs..... Ready.... Set.... Go....

Close but not there yet...

I got the results from the blood work from the other day. The goal is to have my HCG / Beta levels to be at zero. I was told that it is at 19. That's a good amount of drop from 220 but not where I had wished it would be. This only means to go and get pricked in another few days..... ouch.....

I feel like I was stabbed in my heart!

I thought things mentally were getting better for me. I thought that I learned to except that things do happen for a reason and everything will work itself out. Until I heard the news.... my sister-in-law and brother-in-law had a surprise for everyone.... They said that they found out that they were about 6 weeks pregnant! This was so early to tell anyone... I learned this the hard way... I can only wish that they will have a healthy full term...

I was in complete shock... I was excited... then I was upset... then I was heart broken... but then having to be excited on the outside for them. It hurts to see what should have been me... I was never so angry... I don't know who to be angry at and maybe it's frustration fighting it's way out of my soul being but.... I-Just-Feel-So-Angry!

How do you react to such a miracle after experiencing one of the most devastating times in your life! Let me just remind you that it is now 2 weeks and 5 days since we said goodbye to what was our precious miracle....

Ultrasound results are looking good....

I had my ultrasound testing done on Monday 03.14.11 to make sure that everything had passed and that I was ok internally. I know Ultrasound techs could not let us know what they see but I had to ask because I was so curious. Of course she didn't give me any information so I had to wait till I saw my dr today for the results.
The outlook was good. There was no trace of tissue (I can't remember the exact terms but pretty much it means that everything is clear). The only thing that I need to be concerned with was if my hcg/ beta levels would drop back down to zero. From my last blood test on 03.11.11 my levels were at 220. My next scheduled blood test is for 03.21.11 so hopefully time will help me.
What was explained to me was that once my hcg/ beta levels drop to zero my cycle should start in about 4 weeks. My doctor wanted me to wait for two cycles to even start trying to start a family.
Could I even wait? It seems that it's all about time these days....

A week has almost past...

One more day and it would be a week since my loss. A lot has happened emotionally and physically but I've learned to cope with it and move on. In a way I feel like I just let myself move on too quickly... But then how long am I supposed to grieve?
My doctor's office called me to say that my beta levels has dramatically reduced and that they want me to come in on thursday for another blood test. What I want from the blood test results are for my beta/HCG numbers to be zero. This is where I should be in order for my body to allow me to ever get pregnant again. Hopefully it won't take weeks for me to recover. (TMI... my bleeding has slowed down and hardly any clotting.) Which is a good thing because this would mean that my body has pushed out a majority of the tissue from the miscarriage. In order for them to know for sure I would have to have an ultrasound which I scheduled for next week, 03.14.011. The same place where I went two weeks ago for them to congratulate me for getting pregnant... :(
....SIGH......

The news is not good...

I was scheduled for my 10 week appointment which is considered the first official prenatal visit. I had a feeling that I had miscarried but wanted to get the confirmation from my doctor. Deep down I had wished that my doctor would tell me that the baby's heartbeat sounded great and everything was on schedule!
The night before was probably the worst day of my life. There are no feelings that I could describe that would convey the pain that I went through. It started at 7pm and I had so much pressure pushing down on my pelvic bone. I couldn't leave the bathroom. Thirty minutes later when I thought that I was done with the bathroom I would turn right around and go back. I had mixed thoughts... I didn't want to make myself believe that I was going through a miscarriage.... Thirty minutes goes by... I hoped that it was because I had major constipation and cramps and that if I went I would be over... Another thirty minutes went by and the pain just got worse. I tried really hard to go and a gush of blood came out along with multiple blood clots and what seemed to be a shriveled mini cucumber (the placenta). The pain immediately went away and was as though nothing had ever happened but my heart sank... I was in complete shock and there were so many things that fluttered through my head. This can't be it... maybe there's still something inside me... was it a twin...?
I went to my scheduled appointment the next day and then it was confirmed... I did have a miscarriage and tears just started coming out. I was filled with so much emotion... sad, mad, upset, jealous, anxious..... Sad because this was supposed to be happy times, mad because this was not supposed to happen to me, upset because I really wanted this, jealous because everyone around me are having babies with no troubles of conceiving or was unplanned, anxious because I want to start a family.....
I had gone through a "natural miscarriage" where the placenta makes it out on its own without any medical attention. In some cases if a miscarriage occurs and the uterus needs to be cleaned out a surgical procedure would have to be performed called D&C (dilation & curettage). Dilation is the opening of the cervix and curettage is the cleaning of the uterus.
Hopefully all of the contents naturally pass on it's own and that I make a natural recovery. I had to schedule an ultra sound to make sure that everything is cleared out...

More scares... (tmi)

I had the reassurance that I needed by going to see the doctor about my spotting. I didn't get a phone call from them which is a good thing because a call would raise a level of concern. Since then the color of my spotting was pinkish-red (02.21.11) and partly brown. This would occur off and on. I've read other blogs and other mommy to be's said that they too went to the doctor's and then leaving to know that their baby still had a healthy heartbeat. I probably should have called to just make that appointment to come in but it wasn't even a week since I last saw them. So I waited and it did get better. On 02.26.11, I passed a blood clot the size of a nickel. Once again the ladies on the forums had mentioned a similar story about blood clots, some much larger then mine and still had healthy heartbeats as their result after visiting the doctor so that put me at ease. The spotting seems to be a normal thing for me but how am I supposed to know? I see my Doctor for my scheduled 10 week appointment coming up on 03.04.11 so I think I can hold on till then. It's only a few more days. Hopefully I will get that reassurance from them that I have a healthy beating heart! I seem to need confirmation everyday because my fear of miscarriage is putting so much weight on my shoulders.....