My decision.....

I'm at the point where I will have to decide if I want to do a screening for Down Syndrome... This is an optional testing that is done around the 10th-11th week of pregnancy. I've gone back and forth in my mind to opt out of the testing. I've always thought to myself that this test would cause me unnecessary stress for the remaining of my pregnancy. But then I was inspired by a fellow blogger and her story with her second baby with Down Syndrome... It's a precious life....
I am going through with the test and will let my Dr know on my next appointment on January 11th.

Inspired....

I can not take credit for this poem but had to post it because of how it has touched me...

In my fantasy I see a just world,
Where everyone lives in peace and honesty.
I dream of souls that are always free
Like the clouds that float
Full of humanity in the depths of the soul.

In my fantasy I see a bright world,
Where each night there is less darkness.
I dream of spirits that are always free,
Like the clouds that float.

In my fantasy exists a warm wind,
That blows into the city, like a friend.
I dream of souls that are always free,
Like the clouds that float
Full of humanity in the depths of the soul

Having second thoughts about my Dr.

Well I had my Ultrasound on 12.17.11 at a medical imagery lab to date the pregnancy. My DH went with me so that we can see the bean. I optioned out of the trans vaginal ultrasound because of the fear that the same thing would happen from the previous pregnancy/loss. Even though doing a trans vaginal would not cause any harm to the embryo the thought that I was spotting afterwards was horrible enough to try to react the moment. So we had the trans abdominal ultrasound and found the heart beat! The bean's heartbeat was 158 bpm and measured at 6 weeks 5 days... My DH was so excited that he walked up closer to the monitor to see it beat and the Tech ask for him to sit back down. He was taken back and said "... excuse me?" She said that he need to sit back down because she didn't like people looking over her shoulder. I think I got a bad tech that day because from the past experiences at that place and had great experiences... It's a shame that our happy moment was spoiled by this visit. She had also said that they do not let us hear the heartbeat.... I asked if it was because it was too early and she responded back by saying that it was a lawsuit issue and that they do not let clients hear the heartbeat at any stage.... REALLY!

So on 12.21.11, I had an appointment with my Dr to talk about the results and after waiting in the waiting room for one hour and a half I get called to the back and have my weight measured and the nurse asked me what I was in for... asked when my last menstrual cycle was... didn't take my blood pressure... Mind you that this is my fourth visit and I felt like this was my first visit... I waited again for 20 min for my Dr to come in without any of my records and looked tired and said in a laid back tone... "well... everything looks good...." long pause... I had to ask questions to proceed like how was the ultrasound results and he had to leave the room to get the records..... Then I asked what the next step was.... it was a bit frustrating but I guess for some they like that laid back type of Dr's... I just hate starting over trying to find "the" Dr but I will have to if I don't feel the connection.

Betas are looking pretty good....

To much relief my numbers are looking pretty good. They say that the beta result should double every 48 hours....
So a recap of my beta numbers are:
11.28.11 = beta: 76 / progesterone: 20 (about 13 dpo)
12.02.11 = beta: 415 (about 17 dpo)
12.06.11 = beta: 2349 (about 21 dpo)
12.12.11 = beta: 20,012 / progesterone: 18.1 (about 27 dpo)

I have a scheduled blood work for progesterone result today so hopefully that number stays were it needs to. I'm still not out of the deep waters yet but I feel like I'm swimming closer to shore. I have an Ultrasound scheduled for this Friday to date the pregnancy. For some reason I fell like it's too early for that because I figure I'm at about 6 weeks today....Friday I would be 6 weeks and 5 days.... My SIL had her Ultrasound when she was about 9 weeks... I'm guessing that it would be best to find out early but with my last loss I started spotting a few days after the ultrasound which led to my miscarriage.... I know people say that the ultrasound should not effect the baby but I'm so nervous if this will happen again... I would be so upset.

Please let this be my Christmas miracle!

My feelings all so mixed with fear and excitement. I'm wishing that this will be my christmas miracle. I tested on an ovulation prediction kit by clearblue on November 14, monday, and it came up positive for possible ovulation in the next 24-48 hours. I made sure that I covered my basis as far a baby dancing goes, drank Red Raspberry Leaf Tea (good for strengthening the uterus lining), drank Chojoto tea (good for infertility), ate foods that would enhance progesterone, took calcium chews, and took my prenatal vitamins. I could only wish that all my efforts would pay off. Don't you know that on November 27, 2011, Sunday, I found out on my First Response pregnancy stick that there were two dark lines.... Yes... two lines make a Positve!
I was so excited and went in on Monday for my bloodwork for my beta and progesterone levels. Made the appointment to see my Dr for Wednesday but he was booked so I then made the appointment to see the Midwife instead. I wanted to go in as soon as possible to make sure that I can ensure a healthy pregnancy. The midwife, Shirley, saw my results from the bloodwork and didn't seem impressed with the numbers. She said that my progesterone was 20 which was good but my Beta level was too low from now to the time of my last cycle (10.26.11). At 4.5 weeks I had a beta level of 76. In a way she was telling me that this was not a viable pregnancy and even though the "stick" showed positive the bloodwork numbers were too low... So she tells me. My heart dropped and my excitement turned to saddness... But how could she have known just by looking at the first set of betas? I have go in for more bloodwork Friday and then again on Tuesday and then make an appointment to get my results. I'm hoping that this number doubles the way that it's supposed to. They say that your Betas are supposed to double every 48 hours. I guess it may have been standard policy for her to say "if you start bleeding... you will need to go in to the emergency room". Like that was supposed to make me feel any better leaving the office. Please Let This Be My Christmas Miracle!

I'm telling myself that I'm OK..... or am I.....

I can not explain the feeling that I am going through but I guess you can some it up by feeling more relieved then anything. My sister in law just had her baby boy on Friday, veterans day, a full moon on 11.11.11. What a lucky baby. My first nephew and the first baby in the house. He's such a sweet little thing. While deep in my gut was telling me that could have been me a few month back my jealousy flew out of the window when I saw him for the very first time. I think seeing my sister in law in those nine month was the hardest thing to live through after going through a loss but now I feel like I should focus on me.
I may have to consider IUI....

It Was Too Good To Be True....

This cycle felt different to me... Or so I thought. My BBT chart looked amazing up until this point. This morning I woke to a temperature of 97.27 which fell way below my cover line. I was hoping that this was a temperature that I could discard. I started spotting (more like a light flow) today around noon. I'm so sad right now. I started to have a glimmer of hope but now it's gone. :( I'm trying to look on the bright side because it's like a fresh slate but after 7 month how long can I trick myself to believe that this cycle is going to be it?

Let the "Two Week Wait" begin.....

I am so excited that my morning tempterture is still high. I anticipate every morning to find that it is still above my coverline on Fertility Friend's charting system. As of today I am on cycle day 22, 3 days past ovulation. That's right... CD19 was the big"O" day. I find myself double, triple checking when my DH and I did the BD compared to the day I "O'ed" and the temperture spike. Cross my fingers that this will be a good cycle.

My OPK showed two days with a positive!

It's been a long time coming but on cycle day 17 and cd 18 I had a positive on my digital Clearblue ovulation prediction kit. The test displayed a "smile" face and I was so excited! Now the trick is that I have to make sure that my timing is right on point and that there is a happy meeting *wink wink*.
Cross your fingers ladies... Where are you "O"?

Pre Natal Vitamin contents to look for....

So these prenatal vitmains are like Horse Pills and I have major gag issues. I was told that there were gummy prenatal vitamins that can be purchased over the counter but make sure that these measure up to the daily intake of vitamins that were doctor prescribed. I find that some over the couner brands lack the amount of iron or DHA.

I thought that this would help some of you of what to find what you need in prenatal vitmains.

Look for one that includes approximately:

400 mcg of folic acid
400 IU of vitmain D
200 to 300 mg of calcium
70 mg of vitamin C
3 mg of thiamine
2 mg of riboflavin
20 mg of naicine
6 mcg of vitamin B12
10 mg of vitamin E
15 mg of zinc
17 mg of iron

(The numbers can possibly change based on the additional information that I find)

I never thought it would take this long...

So I was prescribed with 10mg of provera that would be taken everyday for ten days. Last night was the tenth day so now I'm waiting to see what happens.... I have no symptoms that a little dear friend is coming but the progesterone in the provera should take it's coarse. The funny thing is that I've been keeping track of my temperture (BMT) and I am on cycle day 72 with Fertility Friend saying that I am 8 DPO (days past ovulation). I know that taking the provera caused the temperture spike but there is always that sign of hope that there could be a miracle... But again... I can be building myself up just to kick me back to starting level. Well, bring it "Friend" I've got 150mg of clomid ready to take you on.

My new doctor appointment recap....

So I finally met with a new doctor on Sept 7th. My initial feeling was excitement because I really wanted to get a fresh set of eyes to tell me what is wrong with me. Then it hit me once I stepped foot into the waiting room.... Thoughts of will they be ready for me... will they understand the journey that I have been through to this point... will the nurses/midwives be friendly... is the doctor going to be patient and listen to me....
My appointment was for 2:45pm and when I got there I had to fill out all the paperwork that is required for new patients. There were so many forms and took a while to finish and the wait was so long. I was able to watch the full hour of "The Ellen Degeneres Show" (I truly love her show) which started at 3pm. This means that I was sitting in the waiting room for a good hour till I got called to the back waiting room but at least I was able to watch the 1300th episode of Ellen :D. I had the usual weigh in and blood pressure taken and then waited for another 20 min in the exam room....
The nurse asked me if I had any records that I took from my previous doctor's office and I said no because I figured that they would have done that. The Doctor came in to see me with no records to go off of. I had a feeling that something like that would have happened so before I came in for the appointment I printed out my BBT charts from the past few months and created a timeline of my cycles and the miscarriage (I know.. what a nerd right?) He said based on what I provided it seems as though I have a luteal phase defect causing the anovulatroy cycles. He said that he won't know for sure till he receives all of the records from my previous doctors. As for my miscarriage he said that I might have needed some assistance with the use of progesterone suppository but again he needed to see my past records. :( All I provided were the HCG levels not thinking that the progesterone levels were of any importance. So ladies ask for both when you get your bloodwork during the phases of your present/ future pregnancies....
When I asked if the light spotting at CD44 (which lasted for 12 days) was the start of a new cycle he said no assertively saying that it's the remnants remaining in the lining of the uterus.
He suggested that I start of with Provera to jump start my cycle and follow up with 150mg of clomid to jump start ovulation again.
There was no physical exams taken so I hope that is normal for a first Doctor visit.
Fingers crossed for me! Let's hope that he can help me figure out where the missing screw is.....

I just broke up with my "Doctor"

I always hate that when you get settled in a new office setting and all your files are up to date and you befriended the staff that you get that feeling that this Doctor can not help you anymore. My current ob/gyn was good but after seeing him for about a year and a half I just felt like I was not going anywhere. There seems to be no answers or explanations as to why I am infertile or why I can't get pregnant. He started to get very short with my questions that the last visit I was so annoyed about my situation and the way he dealt with my concerns I got a little teary eyed. The line was drawn but didn't have the nerve to push myself to see another doctor. I thought that I would have a chance that I would ovulate on my own and become pregnant without any assistance. Reality, struck me and after 43 days in the cycle with no signs of ovulation I think it's about time I put on my brave pants and make "the call". Well... I didn't really call my current doctor but I called a new one in hope that they would do all of the leg work to get my record files. Hopefully I have found one that can work with me and my issues.
Fingers Crossed and hope that my September 7th appointment date turns out to be a smooth transition.

Anovulatory cycles - I never knew it existed!

I was coming into this cycle with an open mind and very optimistic about the possibility that this could be my time to carry a baby. Well... 36 days into the cycle and there was no sign of an ovualtion. I've found out that you can have a cycle and not ovulate (realease an egg). Your body could be gearing up to but then decide that it's not going to. This is what I think my body is experiencing. Not what I really want and hoping that it's not happening to me.

Here's some things that I've read....
A woman may gear up to ovulate more then once in her cycle but not actually ovulate each time. Sometimes a woman will have an ovulation test show up positive more than once during her cycle; however, a positive ovulation test does no guarantee that ovulation will occur. Women can gear up to ovulate and then not actually release of an egg.

If you notice multiple patches of ewcm on your chart but your temperatures do not show a clear thermal shift then you may be having anovulatory cycles. What this means is that your body is trying to ovulate, which is why you are seeing the patches of ewcm, but for some reason you are not ovulating. During a typical ovulation chart you will see ewcm followed by a temperature shift and a drying up of cervical mucous. You should feel dry after you ovulate. This is one way to confirm that ovulation has occured. If you are having patches of CM but you are not seeing a clear biphasic chart, it could mean that you are not ovulating.

Still waiting for my turn...

So I'm still on the path to getting pregnant. My doctor really isn't helpful but I can't expect him to work miracles for me to have babies. It almost looks like a far dream of having a big family. Meanwhile, my sister in law asked me to help her baby shop since she has no clue what to do for her first expected child. I, still am waiting for my first too, but since I've done so many baby showers in the past she thought that I would be able to help her. I always thought that the next time that I go baby shopping for baby that it would be for me. Looking over my selfishness I agreed to go. I thought that it would be fun to shop for my nephew! The lack of interest that my sister in law had was such a drain that I kept thinking to myself why is she not wanting to buy the whole store!!!! I think I was more excited then she was!!!! It just gets me so angry. When will it be me...... We ended up not completing the baby trip because she was "too tired" and she didn't even buy anything! Not a darn thing...... two months and minus the days till she's due..... I know I would be so excited if it was me... I'm still waiting...... Hello Ovulation...... where in the world are you?

My official cycle to TTC... so excited....

It's been a long wait but finally I can start to officially start trying to conceive again... There are so many emotions that are passing through me I almost feel like I'm about to burst. I finished the last of my Birth Control Pills that were given to me to trick my body to go back to a semi-regular cycle after the miscarriage. I'm on my 3rd day of my cycle and am so anxious to know if this time my body would cooperate with me. I have my OPK's (Ovulation Prediction Kit) out and ready to test from day seven. I really don't know when to start testing but I figure after my period I should just start just so that I don't miss those crucial two days that our bodies are to supposed to ovulate. Till then......

My finished knitted blanket

The "lamb" was added for the flare! This was soooo much fun to do I started another blanket!

Pepper's first time swimming!

Look at what a natural she is.... :)

My little Fur-Baby......

Meet Pepper...

She's a ten pound Pomeranian(dad) and a pekingnese/chihuahua(mom) mix...

Her birthday is May 24th 2009 ( we had her since she was two months)

She's taking her daily naps!

I'm knitting a baby blankie!!

Found this great knitting pattern for a baby blanket from TLC.com http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/home/free-knitting-patterns-for-baby-blankets2.htm

(I have the pdf of the pattern if you can't get to the site... Just contact me and I can send it to you) This blanket will turn out to be about 30.5" x 34" and I used a 50% cotton and 50% acrylic blend... Love Love Love.......

I know... I know... I'm not expecting yet but I needed something to keep me occupied! Seems like I could get started on another blankie from the rate that my body is working.... But in any case... I LOVE how this is turning out!

Does she want to be like me?

Maybe it's just me but I feel like my sister-in-law is trying to be like me. I'm not trying to say that I'm superior than anybody but when there are many things that are similar it freaks me out!
I hope that you don't judge me but I just need to get it out of my system.
It started out that my DH brother married his wife after meeting her for less then a month combined. They got married in the short period of time but none the less I was very happy for them. She came to the US and then I find out that her Birthday is two days before me (July 10th and mine is July12). So the birthday's could have been a bit more seperated. Then I find out that she is in a similar job related field. Then she started to get all touchy feelly over my DH (really get your paws off my man) I asked my husband if he realized it and he did but thought it was an Australian thing. So he told her that he felt uncomfortable. Really she should be touching her man and leaving mines alone. Then she started to dress my brother in law like my husband!!!!! For one.... my DH is more to age and his brother has his own style that when you see him dressed differently you startt o wonder. My borther in law was complaining about how his pants were fitting and that she had picked it out for him..... She told me that she and her DH were having issues and that they were not going to start a family anytime soon.... My DH and I announced that we were expecting ( this was before March before my MC) and we announced it by doing scrabblr like pieces and having them solve it to say "We're pregnant". She said "I was going to do this when I tell everyone that I'm pregnant!" (um... Yeah you were). We were so excited because this was going to the first grandkid on both sides of the family! Two weeks later I miscarried they announced at a family dinner that they were expecting... TWO WEEKS later after my loss!!!!! My miscarriage was still in my mind and she announced to everyone not even 6 weeks... I mean she didn't even have her ultrasound yet..... Maybe she would feel a little sensitive to my feelings... Guess not! She did say that she was not ready and that she had to resolve some issues with her husband... What happened to that? Maybe there is a little competition???? Or is it my evil side thinking this? She said to me...."you know... we weren't even trying" I was sooooo livid!!!! Go ahead and rub it in my face!
To add a cherry to the top of all this.... before the whole pregnancy ever happened we had a casual conversation of what we would name our kids.... I told her that we had already picked out a boys name and when we said it she said "I was going to name my son that!" (Oh Hell No.... Is Jayden really common????) So now fast forward to today.... she is going to find out the sex of her baby and if it's a boy I would like to see what she would name him..... Whatever happens.. boy or girl.... this will be mny niece/ nephew... and I can't hate that!
I can't believe that I can't brush this off my mind.. It's been three month but I still feel so bitter.....
Thanks for reading/ listening! I really needed to vent and let this all out or I would just burst!!!!

Who would have thought....Birth Control Pills....

While searching online to find someone in a similar situation as me I came up with zero. I know that some of the information that I post are personal and/ or graphic at times but would hope that this would help others that are lost as myself in the topic of "Trying To Conceive". Something just was not right when I was continuously spotting for about 6 weeks after miscarriage. I was hesitant to go see my doctor because I just thought that these "situation" would work it self out. Unfortunately not, so I made the appointment to figure out what was wrong with me and my system. Met with my Doctor on Friday (05.20.11) and without getting graphic I was still spotting. Everything however seemed to check out clear through the ultrasound and my HCG level was at zero. Which it should be. So the big question is why am I still spotting? He suggested that I should go on birth control pills (Beyaz) for about two month just so that I can regulate my cycle. I have never taken Birth Control Pills and think that maybe I should have been on this years ago to help my irregular cycle. I was told that the birth control pill would also stop the spotting within 4 days after the start of use. It is supposed to regulate the estrogen and the progesterone. It's my third day on the pill and I DO notice that the spotting is less and am hopeful that this is the solution to my goal of starting a family.....

Monitoring your Fertility?

So I came across this article that helps you (me) figure out how to figure out how this fertility charting works.....
This article was posted on WebMD at the following location:
http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/fertility-tests-for-women

BUT..... Here are a few points from that article that are good points to keep in mind....

A few things involved for fertility charting are:

• Taking your basal body temperature,




• Examinging your cervical mucas,




• Noting when your menstrual period began and




• Noting when you had sexual intercourse.

Tips for taking and understanding your BBT:

• Begin taking your temperature on the first day of your period.



• Take it about the same time everyday, preferably before you get out of bed in the morning.



• Don't do anything-- eat, drink, smoke, or even move around before you take your temperature.



• You can take your temperature however you want- orally, rectally, or vaginally- but make sure you use the same technique each time.



• Write down your temperature every day on your fertility chart; you can make a graph with each day of your cycle on the bottom and temperature on the left, connecting the dots as you go.



• Keep in mind that you will probably get some occasional freak readings - either high or low temperatures - that don't fit into the larger pattern. If they don't happen often, don't worry about them.

Days 1-5: Menstruation occurs
Days 6-9: Vagina is dry with little to no mucus
Days 10-12: Sticky, thick mucus appears, gradually becoming less thick and more white
Days 13-15: Mucus becomes thin, slippery, strechy, and clear, similar to the consistency of egg white whites. This is the most fertile stage.
Days 16-21: Mucus becomes sticky and thick again
Days 22-28: Vagina becomes dry

Keep in mind that your body cycle will probably differ from this pattern.

Wanting to purchase Baby items lately....

Everywhere I go and almost everything that I look at are baby related. I've been craving to buy all of my baby gear now even though it's been almost a month and a half since my loss. Maybe it's jumping the gun but I'm still stuck with the baby bug. I came across a fellow blogger that has many contests and giveaways called "MamaBblog". Right now till the 20th of May you can enter to win a FuzziBunz one size Disposable diaper. Here's the site for you to check it out!
http://mamabblog.com/2011/05/nells-natural-baby-fuzzibunz-giveaway.html

Mama said what ?!?!?!??!

So I get a phone call from my mother and she asked about one of my childhood friends to see how she was doing... I said that she was good but then ask her "why?"... She wanted to know if she was pregnant yet... I said no... Then I asked that question again ....."why?" Her reason was that a majority of my friends were married after me and that a mojority of them already has kids and that I had zero.... REALLY MOTHER? It was the tone that it was said...

I told her that it's not that I could have done anything or could have controlled my miscarriage. I don't think she knew how much it hurts me for a comment to come my way....

It's not as easy as we all hoped it would be....

Recap of my progress.... (TMI)

This is just a recap of what my body is telling me... Would I understand this... not really and nor would I expect anyone else to.... I just needed to write everything down just make sense of the madness and hope that this will help other ladies that are going through a similar situation....
(Do not read any if you can't handle graphic details...)

My recap......
03.03.11 - had a natural miscarriage
03.11.11 - HCG=220; The bleeding stops

03.18.11 - started spotting
03.21.11 - HCG=19
03.25.11 - Started to temp; the spotting stops

04.08.11 - HCG=0; The spotting starts
04.10.11 - Considered as first day of cycle (much heavier then normal)
04.29.11 to present - Still spotting and worried... why is this spotting still here? (Don't answer that)

05.20.11 - First day on birth Control Pills (Beyaz)...
05.23.11 - Spotting stops... That's right... you followed that right.. I was spotting for about three weeks till this point....

06.08.11 -My cycle starts off very light
06.13.11 - My cycle is medium (I considered this day to be my start of the Flow)
06.15.11 - My cycle starts to be heavy
06.17.11 - Started my second month of BCP (Beyaz)
06.19.11 - Last day of my cycle

It should have been me...

I don't like to talk about someone's happy moment as a negative but to put things in perspective.... "It should have been me..."
I got a text from my sister-in-law saying that she got the results from her blood test and said that she was at 10 weeks and everything looks healthy! That's definitley good to hear but a month and half ago at my ten weeks I was in pain and on the ground going through my loss. I thought that I had a grasp on my feelings but it keeps on resurfacing.... It really hurts...

There really are nice people out there!

Today I was feeling a bit gloomy... I decided that a nice cup of Hot chocolate would make my day! I waited in line to pay for my order and this really nice gentleman in front of me had this great big smile on his face. He had that vibe around him that just makes you want to smile as well! He exchanged very nice words to the clerk and then to me and then it was a nice little pow wow of compliments back and forth among three of us.... What a great personality.... It's nice to know that there are really nice people out there! Makes the world a much better place! My gratitude goes out to this nice fine man for making me leave the store with a great big Smile!

It's about time!

I finally made it to get my blood work done in order to find out if my levels are back to zero. Well I called the office and they said that my levels are indeed at ZERO! It's about time! Now I hope that my body works with me for my next sticky Bean!

I've become obsessed!

I've been finding myself weighing in about 4 times a day. I was never one that weighed myself. I always used the "Pants Measure" technique where I would have that one special pant that I needed to always fit. If it became snug then I would need to lay off those Chocolate Cookies and all of those sweets that I love! Well needless to say that my "special" pants" has been pushed to the back of my closet and I'm obsessing over that .5" that I gained! What's a girl to do!!!!!! By the way.... I was supposed to get my blood drawn, for what I hope to be my last blood draw for a while, and for some reason the lab closed early that Friday (April 1st). Was this a joke on me? I'm kidding... I think it was the friday schedule..... Hopefully I get around to getting myself there. Cross your fingers and hope that my levels are at Zero!

I found a way to keep me occupied...

So in order for me to even try to start a family I would have to wait till my body cooporates with me. No Doctor can tell me that I'm ready because every women's body works it's own way. For me, it feels like eternity before we can even try to start our own family tree. So what other way but to set a goal to loss the excess weight! I have found that excercise and a goal to lose weight would keep me half occupied.... Let's see how long this is going to last! The magic number is 25 lbs...... Consider today as my official ticker for losing 25 lbs..... Ready.... Set.... Go....

Close but not there yet...

I got the results from the blood work from the other day. The goal is to have my HCG / Beta levels to be at zero. I was told that it is at 19. That's a good amount of drop from 220 but not where I had wished it would be. This only means to go and get pricked in another few days..... ouch.....

I feel like I was stabbed in my heart!

I thought things mentally were getting better for me. I thought that I learned to except that things do happen for a reason and everything will work itself out. Until I heard the news.... my sister-in-law and brother-in-law had a surprise for everyone.... They said that they found out that they were about 6 weeks pregnant! This was so early to tell anyone... I learned this the hard way... I can only wish that they will have a healthy full term...

I was in complete shock... I was excited... then I was upset... then I was heart broken... but then having to be excited on the outside for them. It hurts to see what should have been me... I was never so angry... I don't know who to be angry at and maybe it's frustration fighting it's way out of my soul being but.... I-Just-Feel-So-Angry!

How do you react to such a miracle after experiencing one of the most devastating times in your life! Let me just remind you that it is now 2 weeks and 5 days since we said goodbye to what was our precious miracle....

Ultrasound results are looking good....

I had my ultrasound testing done on Monday 03.14.11 to make sure that everything had passed and that I was ok internally. I know Ultrasound techs could not let us know what they see but I had to ask because I was so curious. Of course she didn't give me any information so I had to wait till I saw my dr today for the results.
The outlook was good. There was no trace of tissue (I can't remember the exact terms but pretty much it means that everything is clear). The only thing that I need to be concerned with was if my hcg/ beta levels would drop back down to zero. From my last blood test on 03.11.11 my levels were at 220. My next scheduled blood test is for 03.21.11 so hopefully time will help me.
What was explained to me was that once my hcg/ beta levels drop to zero my cycle should start in about 4 weeks. My doctor wanted me to wait for two cycles to even start trying to start a family.
Could I even wait? It seems that it's all about time these days....

A week has almost past...

One more day and it would be a week since my loss. A lot has happened emotionally and physically but I've learned to cope with it and move on. In a way I feel like I just let myself move on too quickly... But then how long am I supposed to grieve?
My doctor's office called me to say that my beta levels has dramatically reduced and that they want me to come in on thursday for another blood test. What I want from the blood test results are for my beta/HCG numbers to be zero. This is where I should be in order for my body to allow me to ever get pregnant again. Hopefully it won't take weeks for me to recover. (TMI... my bleeding has slowed down and hardly any clotting.) Which is a good thing because this would mean that my body has pushed out a majority of the tissue from the miscarriage. In order for them to know for sure I would have to have an ultrasound which I scheduled for next week, 03.14.011. The same place where I went two weeks ago for them to congratulate me for getting pregnant... :(
....SIGH......

The news is not good...

I was scheduled for my 10 week appointment which is considered the first official prenatal visit. I had a feeling that I had miscarried but wanted to get the confirmation from my doctor. Deep down I had wished that my doctor would tell me that the baby's heartbeat sounded great and everything was on schedule!
The night before was probably the worst day of my life. There are no feelings that I could describe that would convey the pain that I went through. It started at 7pm and I had so much pressure pushing down on my pelvic bone. I couldn't leave the bathroom. Thirty minutes later when I thought that I was done with the bathroom I would turn right around and go back. I had mixed thoughts... I didn't want to make myself believe that I was going through a miscarriage.... Thirty minutes goes by... I hoped that it was because I had major constipation and cramps and that if I went I would be over... Another thirty minutes went by and the pain just got worse. I tried really hard to go and a gush of blood came out along with multiple blood clots and what seemed to be a shriveled mini cucumber (the placenta). The pain immediately went away and was as though nothing had ever happened but my heart sank... I was in complete shock and there were so many things that fluttered through my head. This can't be it... maybe there's still something inside me... was it a twin...?
I went to my scheduled appointment the next day and then it was confirmed... I did have a miscarriage and tears just started coming out. I was filled with so much emotion... sad, mad, upset, jealous, anxious..... Sad because this was supposed to be happy times, mad because this was not supposed to happen to me, upset because I really wanted this, jealous because everyone around me are having babies with no troubles of conceiving or was unplanned, anxious because I want to start a family.....
I had gone through a "natural miscarriage" where the placenta makes it out on its own without any medical attention. In some cases if a miscarriage occurs and the uterus needs to be cleaned out a surgical procedure would have to be performed called D&C (dilation & curettage). Dilation is the opening of the cervix and curettage is the cleaning of the uterus.
Hopefully all of the contents naturally pass on it's own and that I make a natural recovery. I had to schedule an ultra sound to make sure that everything is cleared out...

More scares... (tmi)

I had the reassurance that I needed by going to see the doctor about my spotting. I didn't get a phone call from them which is a good thing because a call would raise a level of concern. Since then the color of my spotting was pinkish-red (02.21.11) and partly brown. This would occur off and on. I've read other blogs and other mommy to be's said that they too went to the doctor's and then leaving to know that their baby still had a healthy heartbeat. I probably should have called to just make that appointment to come in but it wasn't even a week since I last saw them. So I waited and it did get better. On 02.26.11, I passed a blood clot the size of a nickel. Once again the ladies on the forums had mentioned a similar story about blood clots, some much larger then mine and still had healthy heartbeats as their result after visiting the doctor so that put me at ease. The spotting seems to be a normal thing for me but how am I supposed to know? I see my Doctor for my scheduled 10 week appointment coming up on 03.04.11 so I think I can hold on till then. It's only a few more days. Hopefully I will get that reassurance from them that I have a healthy beating heart! I seem to need confirmation everyday because my fear of miscarriage is putting so much weight on my shoulders.....

I had to do it......

Everyone tells me that I'm lucky to not have any pregnancy syptoms but they just don't know how scary it is to not have that feeling that you are pregnant. No morning sickness, no cravings, no sensitive smells, etc.
I pee'd on a stick because I was so curious...
Still had two lines!

A little scare...(tmi)

I never experienced any spotting before I had my ultrasound and then noticed that after a few days I started getting brown spots. I let it go for a few days thinking that my cervix was irritated by the camera from the transvaginal ultrasound. I really thought that it would clear up and it would stop on it's own but in reality it did not. I scheduled an impromptu doctor's appointment ,2.17.11, for 4pm and was able to see a nurse. My Dr had already left for the day. She was going to give me a doppler reading to hear the heart beat but then said that I wouldn't hear anything because I was still too early. She took a cotton swab sample of my cervix and the swab showed a light brown color. She, "Sue", said that this is a good sign because brown equals old blood. If it was red then that might raise a level of concern. I then got to give 10 vials of blood for regular procedure for pregnancy and scheduled for my 10 week appointment and my NT for Down Syndrome at the Hospital. All so overwhelming because I really just came in to make sure that everything was alright. It had to be done.

Ultra Sound for the size and date...

Well I got the ok to get my ultra sound and I had my husband come with me for that extra support. They wanted me to come in with a full bladder so they said to drink at least 32 oz of water and not relive myself. It's supposed to help view the embryo clearly. I had two types of procedures done...(Maybe too much information)... a trans abdominal ultrasound where they place gel on your abdoman and view the baby through the monitor and than transvaginally where they stick a camera in your (you know where). This is supposed to get a closer look since the baby is still too small. I had thought I was 10 weeks but the nurse technician said that the baby measured at 7weeks and 3 days. The heartbeat was beating so fast at a rate of 169 heartbeats per minute which they say is completely normal. I was able to bring home my ultrasound snapshots and my husband filmed the heartbeat. It was a successful trip!

What is best......

So I come home from work and my husband tells me that he has some gossip! I love gossip and I asked who is involved... He told me him and his mother.... uh oh...
My husband called his mother for a friendly hello and to see how things are going. She asked him how I was feeling and he said that we were going to schedule for our first ultrasound next week. Exciting times! She started lecturing him that we shouldn't be going to the doctor's office so much. That they just want your money. My husband was trying to explain to her that his company has good coverage and that should not be a problem. She then continued to tell him that we should probably see the doctor when I'm about 4 month in and at that point once a month. Let's see... My doctor told me to schedule for my first ultrasound to hear the first heartbeat and my mother in law is saying that it's too early and that I shouldn't go.... Which advice would you follow? My Doctor of course! She grew up in another country with little medical attention and where money was very tight. She said that she had three kids with no problem. Well that is great news but that would not stop me from following doctor's orders. All she seemed to care about was the money issue for the medical insurance. She told her son if you run out of money by the time you have your baby don't try to ask her for any. Like we were going to anyway. For one, we will not need it because we have great coverage and two, I would never go to them for money even if I was to the last dime. She hung up on my husband before they were done talking because she was so heated. She wouldn't pick up the phone when he tried to call back. All because I was seeing the doctor more then she thought necessary. First baby for me and first grandbaby in the family! You would think that there would be more support then this!

HCG/ Beta levels.....

So I got my results from the 4th blood test on took on 01/27/11.... They told me that the levels are good and that it was 4420. They still wanted me to get another blood test. The fifth one! I was curious why they wanted the fifth draw because they told me it's ok to schedule for an Ultra sound this week. Well I went in on Monday, 01/31/11 for a blood draw and got the results which was at 7172. Which they said that the levels were great! Ultra sound here we go.......

HCG Levels and what they mean

Here's a nifty chart that a friend of mine suggested I look at.
You can see the chart a bit clearer on the original site below....

http://www.countdowntopregnancy.com/tools/beta_doubling_calculator.php

The waiting process

I never knew what it really took to find out if you were pregnant or not. I always thought that you would test your HCG levels by (well you know on a stick) and if there were two lines that would be it! Then you would go in for a doctors appointment just to make sure all is well. In my case.... let's just say I feel like a vampire is sucking the blood right out of me. I called for my first doctor's appointment on January 17 and had my blood drawn to make sure that I was pregnant. The next day I called for results and the numbers for my HCG was 329. They said that I was still a bit early in the pregnancy and that I should come in for another blood test. Hmmmm.... ok I thought this was a bit weird but then again getting two numbers is a sure way for verification. So I went in on January 20th to get blood drawn and then called the next day. They said the numbers are where they needed to be at 1036. They wanted me to come in again on January 24th to do the same procedure over again. They said that the numbers doubled and are at 2530 but the Doctor still wants me to go in on the 27th for the same procedure yet again. The only thing that I knew was that it was too early in the pregnancy. No other explanation but that.
From all of the mommy forums and boards that I have joined I found out that I should be atleast 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant. But the latest number places me at about 3 and a half weeks. Could I have severely miss calculated?
I just wish I could get scheduled for my ultrasound to actually know. And hence the waiting process begins....

Really...really... really... Side Railed....

I had left a stressful job.... I had found a calm relaxed place in my life... and with the two years of trying to conceive... I think the peace and harmony I found created this.......




EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can I get a "SUCCESS"......

I'm back and found my SUCCESS!

With a much needed break... I have since left my stressful job and found a place where I can be more relaxed! I've found my "success". That "success" is to be happy and carefree. To love who you are and to take everyday in stride. To not worry about what people think and to do what you love to do.